Published July 20, 2008
I deleted this poem because it apparently sucked.
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t's pretty but it seems to achieve little. The first stanza was promising and it really did start to develop an idea of character.
gave me the idea of being cocooned inside a duvet and I think this works well with the fact the narraotr does not know the 'time of day' as through their actions you can see they are an introvert. There is no need to state that they are as this is already conveyed.The second stanza seems to promise the beginning to a story. Maybe here you could describe how the narrator becomes the character in the stories they read. It's a good oppotunity to create the imagery of their imagination.
In fact, stanzas three and four come as a slight disappointment as they merely state and don't suggest. Summed up 'reading and writing let me escape from the world'. I think this idea could be expressed more creatively.
Hope that's helpful!
Hi there!
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well it was good for a start. dont sweat it if the comments seem kind of harsh. it's only to help you grow and become better. dont sweat the small stuff, we have all gotten our shares of bad reviews, you just have to try and grow from them, ok. dont sweat it and welcome to yws!
Lying in my bed, I'd take out the comma here, and either leave it or put in a dramatic pause.
Caught in the world it portrays, Take out the comma and put in a period here.
And then I get ideas for my own. "And then I" doesn't seem to fit here. I'd change it to "I then"
Their me and who I want to be. Their should be they're
Fantasy of my dreams, Take the comma out
Or of something else, Comma out, period in
From a world and people so mean. This line doesn't flow right. "And people so mean" just doesn't fit in here grammatically, you need to change or remove it.
As the poem has a common idea/topic it fails to impress me as a reader because there is nothing that causes it to become eye catching. You need to add to it, to make it more interesting to us as a reader. Something that sets it apart from other poetry with the same theme. Broaden the discussion on the different characters, explore who you become with them, or show us some amazing imagery to make the poem more entertaining.
Well, you're very good at stating things.
So what about this is supposed to grab the reader; why should I care to read this? There's nothing new to this, no new words, though worse, commonly used words. Escapism in a book is something I've heard a thousand times in prose, and in poetry, the phrase does not belong.